Checkers Review: Checkers french fries and speaking freely

Checkers Review: Checkers french fries and speaking freely

If you like fresh hamburgers grilled/griddled to order, then please turn away. If you like hand cut fries that come from real potatoes, I got nothing for you. But if you want 1700 calories of greasy goodness that’s sure to kill you in fifty years? Well I got just the thing. Ever since they added calorie counts to the fast food menus, it’s been a lot of fun to see how much you’re getting when you think about getting two filet o fish or something. I went to the newly opened Checker’s on Court street, and combo number one ranged from 1400 to 1700 calories. Since I requested my Fanta without ice, and since the cup was way too big to be just a ‘medium’, I probably got 1700 or more calories from lunch on Sunday. Of course three hours later I also went and ate an arepa slathered with some tasty mayo. Sometimes you just really have to fill up, you know? Anyway, so let’s talk about Checker’s, or Rally’s, depending on what part of the country you’re from.

In the Mid-West, this chain is known as Rally’s. I started eating this as a kid, but the only thing that I got from Rally’s was french fries. Their burgers just didn’t impress me that much. Down south, this chain is called Checker’s, but it’s all the same stuff. When I lived in the South, I didn’t know Checkers = Rally’s and just never went to Checkers. And I call myself educated. So this past weekend I decided to try their hamburger again, and also eat some of those delicious fries. They weren’t going to scare me with the 1700 calorie thing.

There’s something to be said about consuming something you know is going to be 1700 calories. It just… makes you feel like a man. Of course eight hours prior to consuming such a great meal, I was at the edge of my seat watching the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy. That also makes me feel like a man. A sissy man. I think combo number one was in some way used to redeem myself. Too bad it didn’t work…

The quarter pound cheese burger was actually pretty decent. It came with lettuce, tomatoes, mayo, ketchup, pickles, and onions. This with fries and an oversized ‘medium’ drink came out to a little less than $7. Pretty good deal. If you’re keeping track at home, that’s about 242 calories per dollar. It’s not as good as a bag of cheetos which will fetch you 300+ calories per $1, but that’s ok. Compared to eating cheetos for lunch (which I’ve done in this calendar year before), Checkers is practically haute cuisine. The burger is what a fast food burger normally taste like, so I wouldn’t say rush out there to try it. If you know and like fast food burgers, this one is ok. I didn’t really go to Checkers for the burger though, it was all about the fries.

In retrospect, I should have just saved my calories for just the fries and not order the combo. But it just seemed weird to not know what their burger taste like. I knew their fries would kick ass even before I took a bite. The great thing about Checkers and Rally’s is that they batter the potato with some sort of seasoned crack. If you eat like, five large servings of their fries, it would make you country strong, just like Kwame Brown. I highly recommend it. The fries are nice and crisp, and they’re never under seasoned. I know. I’ve been eating this since I was like 9-years-old. You might not have heard of Checkers before, but as a 18 year veteran of their fries, I can say it’s just about always spot on. Now, you might not like frozen seasoned fries with batter. And that’s ok. We ain’t gotta get along, that’s just more fries for me to love.

So actually what made me so hungry this weekend was that I was riding in the back of a uhaul van. Just kidding. I helped some of my friends move their stuff to their new places. So around 11am on Saturday, Pat and I were by the uhaul van loading some stuff up. Pat was in the van rearranging his stuff and I was taking a break on the sidewalk. To me left, about 15 feet away were these two white dudes walking by. They looked kinda weird because it was 11am, and one of them had a DSLR around his neck. Just so you know, there’s absolutely nothing of photographic value by 4th avenue. It’s tire-iron alley. So besides the fact that they looked like out of place tourists in a place that doesn’t attract tourists, they looked fine. I didn’t pay any attention to these cats, and then as they walked by, one dude goes, Dude: “Hi. Are you interested in a free CD?” Me: [i look down] [reads: blah blah, Jesus, blah] *my head: oh hell no motherfucker. get away from me.* *real life*: [shakes head]. “Uh.. no. I don’t want it.”

Dude: “Are you sure? It’s free. Do you speak English?

Me: [gets angry] *my head: WHAT?!?!* [gathers self.]

Me (with attitude): “Yes. I speak English. I probably speak better English than you do. And no, I’m not interested in your CD.

We conversed for about another fifteen seconds and then Bible thumper left with his Jesus CD. Really. How unbelievable is that? How does douchebag motherfucker going to get all up in my mug and ask me a question in English, listen to my response in English, and then ask me if I speak English? Son, we’re talking! In English! Get a fucking clue! Puh-lease son. You better back the fuck off before I slap you silly with Pat’s pilates mat. Shit. To recap. Eat some french fries. And if that doesn’t make sense, I can repeat it in English for ya. (And yes, I realize how weird it is to tell someone I speak English well, even when you can spot about fifty million mistakes in this blog post alone. That’s ok.)

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