Golden Unicorn Review: Top reasons to not take a date to eat dim sum at Golden Unicorn
Last night I googled for some story and the third link on the result page was from the HuffPo. What was on that HuffPo page? A twenty-five word blurb about the story at NYTimes. On the result page, the NYTimes page for the story was the fifth link, two below the new AOL entity. I’ve heard that at HuffPo, since they get so much traffic, they can real-time test post titles and utilize a/b testing to figure out which one people click on more. Then the more popular one becomes the permanent one. And thus, useless page at HuffPo that just links to NYTimes, where the story was. It’s depressing. I don’t want to just talk about some good dim sum at Golden Unicorn. Nevermind that it’s a solid place to go in NYC’s Chinatown, even though all the food enthusiasts clamor for BK or Queens. Seriously, the outter boroughs are not Hong Kong. So to have a quality post, I gotta stuff it with keywords and hope for the best. Also I learned, apparently talking about whether a restaurant is useful for dating is a good way to get in the good graces of Larry and Sergei. Without further adieu, let’s talk about a dim sum restaurant here in NY where you probably don’t want to take your dates.
Why is dim sum not a great place to take a date? Let me count the ways.
Number 1: It’s loud as shit at a dim sum place. If you’re taking your SO (Significant Other), you probably want to have some nice conversation about random shit like where you gonna eat when you attend a wedding in California. Or what to do when the in-laws come to town, or what would you do if a Martian came and abducted one of you, RIGHT NOW. You know, easy stuff. You’ll want some peace and quiet. At most dim sum restaurants though, it’s loud and you gotta share a table with other folks and their voices may pollute the one you really want to hear.
As much as good pork shumai and shrimp cheong fun can do to lift your moods, distracting noises are still that.
Number 2: You might have to stand around in a cramped area and wait to get seated. Basically dim sum in NY’s Chinatown works like this… if you go before noon, the wait isn’t too bad and the restaurant isn’t too packed. Even at a large place like Golden Unicorn or a Jing Fong, it gets super packed after 12 or 12:30. The wait will be 45 minutes or more. Why would you wanna stand around? There’s no bar at a Dim Sum place. What, you gonna all be like, “Hun, hold up. I need to foursquare this shit while we stand around.” Not a good look.
Sometimes not even fluffy taro thingy (yutou jiao/wu gok) can make up for the lost time of standing around. That’s the other thing, sometimes you wait and wait… then the restaurant runs out of certain items. Last time I went to Golden Unicorn, they had these great desserts, especially by Chinese food standards. But they’ll run out of that green stuff if you go late.
Number 3: You don’t want to take a date to a dim sum place because you’re constantly trying to order something. At most restaurants, you order once, they come and bring the food. At a dim sum place, you order from carts. Carts are small so they only carry certain items. If you want a variety of food, you must order from a few different carts. Then you’re turning around all the time to see what the cart ladies have. And I don’t know why but dudes don’t push carts at dim sum restaurants. Sometimes it just feels like this, “Ok hold on sweet-tea-pie, but ordering these pork buns is more important than you finishing that sentence.” See, it’s rude.
Number 4: Sometimes you get weird food that’s off-putting at a dim sum parlor. I know good eating Chinese folks that don’t eat Chicken feet. Maybe their moms dropped their ass a lot as a kid, I dunno. Chicken feet is good to me, but some just don’t like it. Sometimes you eat the beef spare ribs with black pepper, and there’s a gristly piece of fat that’s not chewable. Usually when I encounter unchewable things, I spit it out. I’m a spitter. Obviously there’s no harm in swallowing either, since the fat gets demolished by your stomach acids anyway. But I’m a spitter, so that means you end up spitting this nasty chewed up shit on a plate. That ain’t good for a date. Now maybe this paragraph helps my SEO for spitting vs. swallowing. I’m ok with that. Oh right, this is about Dim sum, so on we go!
Golden Unicorn is actually a great place for dim sum in New York. Maybe it’s not THE best in all five boroughs, but it’s serviceable. The wait is usually not bad before 12 noon and after 1:00 PM in the afternoon. Sure it’s no Chinatown Brasserie, but most brunch places are not. At least here, they got shiny seat covers to disguise how nasty the real seats might be, and that’s about as classy as it gets in Chinatown. So maybe it’s not for dates, but it’s still fun to go with your SO.
Golden Unicorn18 E Broadway.New York, NY 10002212-941-0911
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